More than 500 Iranians have agreed to sell one kidney each, in order to pay for the assassination of Salman Rushdie, thereby illustrating the old Iranian adage--if all else fails, sever something. If the Shiites ever win the war they've declared against the British novelist, at least he will have the satisfaction of knowing he inflicted significant collateral damage.

Richard Swick, a lawyer for the FBI, accused Sen. John Danforth (R, Mo.) of conducting a biased investigation of the 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. The bureau would prefer to rely on its ongoing unbiased investigation of itself.

President Clinton is imploring Major League Baseball to repeal its lifetime suspension of Pete Rose, and allow the all-time hit leader into the Hall of Fame. It seems that Rose has been the victim of three successive "partisan" and "out of control" commissioners.

The FBI caught up to Carolina Panthers' receiver Rae Carruth, while he hid in the trunk of a car in western Tennessee. Tragically, they foiled his plan to spring out and pounce on the real killer.

Sgt. Joseph Suponcic became the first American soldier confirmed to have been killed by enemy action in Kosovo, when his vehicle struck a landmine. The event captured little attention, however, since the news media had more important things to worry about, like who Time magazine will choose as its Person of the Century.

The Nov. 29 issue of The Weekly Standard featured a profile of Ed Rendell, which revealed the outgoing Philadelphia mayor to be...well, a pig. During an interview with Philadelphia magazine reporter Lisa DePaulo, Rendell described for DePaulo how he thought she would be in bed. He also speculated about what sort of undergarment she might be wearing, and voiced his opinion that sexual irresponsibility is consistent with being a great world leader. Not surprisingly, Rendell has been appointed as the new chairman of the Democratic Party. This means feminist leaders may soon find themselves reading DNC fundraising letters which read, "Kick up the dough, ho!"

American sovereignty was given a reprieve, when the World Trade Organization meeting in Seattle turned into a modern-day Tower of Babel, thanks in part to President Clinton. Previously a firm supporter of the WTO, the President changed his mind when he saw that the overwhelming majority of the protesters who arrived were from the political left (which was obvious, since so many of them were dressed as vegetables, butterflies, and other forms of highly intelligent life). In an address to the organization, he expressed his agreement with the demonstrators about virtually everything...except, of course, for bricking McDonalds.

After announcing that she "intends" to go through with her run for the Senate, Hillary Clinton announced that she would have to temporarily relinquish her "duties" as first lady. How will America cope?

Pat Buchanan's "peasant army," grew by one when he was endorsed by fellow Reform Party member Lenora Fulani, a Marxist, who herself once ran for president with the now defunct New Alliance Party. Buchanan says he left the Republicans because they no longer represent his values.

Donald Trump, the other prospective presidential candidate from the party which represents Buchanan's values, has proposed a one-time seizure of more than14 percent of the wealth of all Americans with a net worth of at least $10 million. The choice to be made in the Reform Party primary would make the peasants feel like kids in a candy store, if only they knew what candy was … you know, being peasants and all.

The Fox News Network canceled its Saturday night show hosted by Matt Drudge, after dropping its lawsuit against him for breech of contract. Drudge walked off the show when he was told he could not show a picture of a live 21 week-old human fetus, which the network says it feared he would "misrepresent," as a live 21 week-old human fetus.

A display of four paintings by Paul Cezanne was the centerpiece of a cable TV special, in which Hillary Clinton gave a tour of the White House art collection. What...no dung?

The Fox News Channel has hired Newt Gingrich as a political analyst. He and his new co-worker Dick Morris must have a lot to talk about.

The Justice Department has filed a brief with the Supreme Court in opposition to attempts by Congress to curtail the protection of criminals by the 1966 Miranda v. Arizona decision. It complains that Miranda "cannot be superseded merely by legislation." We can't start creating laws through mere legislation, now, can we?

The Red Chinese government expressed "profound regret" that Senate Republicans voted down the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. Guess whose side President Clinton is taking.

The United Nations observed the birth of the world's six-billionth person, conveniently, in Bosnia. There is, of course, no way of knowing which baby was the one who put us over the top, so the UN did what it does best: it made it up.

Convicted cop-killer and therefore National Public Radio host Mumia Abu-Jamal lost his Supreme Court appeal of his guilty verdict and subsequent death sentence. Abu-Jamal is not likely to be executed in the near future, but at least he will be wasting taxpayer money more honestly on death row than he did at NPR.

On a recent fundraising trip through California, President Clinton, under the thin veil of making a joke, begged a group of Hollywood celebrities to put him in the movies once he leaves the White House. "Maybe I could become an actor," he suggested. "I've got a good pension; I can work for cheap." Perhaps James Carville can put in a good word for him if anyone ever makes a sequel to The People vs. Larry Flynt.

The House of Representatives passed the Unborn Victims of Violence Act, a law similar to those already enacted in many states, which would hold an attacker responsible for the killing of an unborn child during the commission of a crime against its mother. Gloria Feldt, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, seethed that the measure could, "...establish rights of personhood to a fetus, a zygote, blastocyst or embryo." She continued that, "Anti-choice members of Congress should be ashamed of their hideous exploitation of a woman's tragic loss in their relentless pursuit to ban abortion." A woman's tragic loss of what, Gloria, a blastocyst?

During a recent trip to New Zealand, President Clinton met with Indonesian businessman James Riady, a major donor of illegal campaign funds who fled the U.S. rather than testify before Congress. Riady was also among those who paid apparent hush money to former White House counsel Webster Hubbell. The administration is dismissing questions about the meeting by saying it was a "brief rope-line encounter," in the words of White House spokesman Jim Kennedy. The President would be well advised to avoid brief rope-line encounters. His last one led to encounters with a thong bikini, a cigar, and perjury.

In a special election in California, Joe Baca defeated fellow Democrat Marta Macias Brown, in a race to fill the seat of Brown's late husband. The two are ideologically nearly identical, except that Brown is a gun control activist, while Baca belongs to the NRA. The result must be troubling for the Democratic Party, which plans to use the gun control issue to win back Congress from Republican control. Oh, well, they can always fall back on their strategy from the '98 campaign, which consists of threatening that the Republicans will blow up churches full of black people if elected.

Look what crawled under the Big Tent. Both houses of Congress recently voted to double the salary of the President, and give pay raises to the Vice President, executive branch officials, and, of course, themselves. The bill was authored by Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell of Colorado, who left the Democratic Party for the Republicans, handily, after the GOP won control of Congress. The Republican leadership, wanting to encourage more defections, and, as usual, to demonstrate how open they are to "pro-choice" candidates, eagerly supported Campbell against a conservative primary challenger. Thus they opened the gates and wheeled the horse in.

"Clearly, the violence in East Timor is the responsibility of the Indonesian government to quell."---This statement came not from Jakarta, but from former New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley, in an interview on CNN's Inside Politics. If he doesn't win the presidency, there may be a job for him in the Justice Department.

An arrest warrant has been issued for a Little Rock man who allegedly sent three thugs to assault his girlfriend and kill the baby she was carrying. According to police, the oldest of the three brothers who carried out the attack said, "Your baby is dying tonight," while delivering a series of kicks to the woman's abdomen as she begged for her child's life. This, undoubtedly, was his critical mistake. He should instead have said, "The products of conception to which you are host shall be terminated prior to expulsion." Then he and his cohorts would have gotten off scot-free.  

The makers of the SAT have devised a new program called "Strivers." This plan gives colleges the option of using either of two formulas for producing weighted test scores in place of actual results. The Strivers program issues students "expected scores" prior to checking their SATs, then formulates the relation of their actual scores to their expected scores in order to produce the weighted results. Expected scores are estimated through consideration of socioeconomic factors, which, in one of the two formulas, considers race especially important. The expected scores for blacks, Hispanics and American Indians are much lower than those for whites and Asians. Among their presumed deficiencies, apparently, is the inability to recognize an insult.

Lyndon LaRouche has again thrown his hat in the ring for the Democrat nomination for president. His candidacy is hindered somewhat by the fact that only fifteen states will allow his name to be put on the ballot, due to his imprisonment on tax fraud charges during the mid-eighties. LaRouche's plight should serve as a warning to future candidates to always follow the fundamental principle of the Democratic Party: Don't get convicted!

Recently declassified documents reveal that Fidel Castro offered to help President Lyndon Johnson during the 1964 campaign. So worried was the Cuban Prime Minister by the prospect that the Republicans, and especially Barry Goldwater, would rise to power, that he suggested that Johnson could "make bellicose statements about Cuba, or even to take hostile action, if he will inform me unofficially that a specific action is required by domestic political considerations." We know that, despite Castro's apparent affinity for Bill Clinton, he has made him no similar offer, otherwise, we would have bombed Havana several times by now. Could it be that he didn't consider Bob Dole a threat?

A group of musicians, led by Barbara Streisand, is considering holding a benefit concert. The cause? Why, the Clinton Legal Defense Fund, of course. Now, if only somebody would organize a fish fry, to raise money to buy the Clintons a $2.3 million house in New York.

Under orders from the Kosovo Liberation Army, ethnic Albanians have begun doing some ethnic cleansing of their own, in a campaign that has become increasingly violent in recent weeks. In trying to purge their province of approximately 30,000 Serbs, the Albanians have already killed dozens and driven thousands of others out of their homes, causing Lt. General Mike Jackson of the NATO peacekeeping force to remark, "We know what they're doing is wrong, but what can we do?" ...Meanwhile, loosely organized hordes of Serb gunmen from outside Kosovo have begun raiding predominantly Albanian border towns within the province. Take another bow, Madeleine.

Vice President Gore warned a class of fifth-graders that the world will be destroyed by global warming if the Republicans succeed in passing their "risky tax scheme." Got that, parents? Give more of your money to the government, or else your children will burn.

The Ohio Democratic Party is trying to recruit Jerry Springer as a candidate in next year's race for the Senate. Apparently, Pee Wee Herman was unavailable.

Attorney General Janet Reno said recently that nobody should be allowed to own a firearm until after he has passed a state-sanctioned proficiency test. She did not specify whether this policy would apply to tanks.

The Federal Trade Commission is looking at suggested warning labels to place on cigars. Perhaps they'll consider, "not to be taken internally."

Squeaking that the Republican Party has become "a captive of extremists," New York congressman Michael Forbes (no relation to Steve) announced that he is changing his party affiliation to Democrat, cutting the Republicans' advantage in the House to ten. Strangely, Forbes' disgruntlement didn't set in until after Speaker Dennis Hastert and Majority Whip Tom DeLay held a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser for him. The Republican leadership is demanding that Forbes return the money raised from that event, but he has yet to respond. Apparently, he's had practice at being a Democrat.

Capitalizing on death and tragedy, as usual, President Clinton used the recent shooting spree by white supremacist Benjamin Smith as justification to propose thought-crime legislation. The Clinton plan includes an annual survey of college students about their attitudes regarding race. Schools which receive federal money must produce students who think government-approved thoughts, or else have funding withheld.

The House of Representatives passed a bill which would make it illegal to transport an underage girl across state lines without her parents' knowledge (some might call it kidnapping) for an abortion. The measure was inspired by the acquittal of a woman who drove a 13-year old to New York for an abortion, in circumvention of Pennsylvania's parental consent law. The accused was the stepmother of the 19-year old boy who had impregnated the girl through statutory rape. Rep. Nita Lowey (D-N.Y.), continuing her ongoing crusade against relevance, voiced her opposition to the bill by wondering aloud, "Are they going to set up 'granny checkpoints' to catch grandmothers helping their granddaughters?" Who says liberals don't care about family values?

Groundbreaking scientific discovery by crack USA Today staff in "Cover Story" on July 7: Sweat has a cooling effect on your body temperature! It's refreshing when the national media come clean and tell us exactly how little they think of us.

President Clinton's spiritual advisers are encouraged by the progress they believe he's making along his "path of repentance". Rev. Gordon MacDonald says, "We all feel that there has been a genuine bond that has grown between us and him, and that there is a substantial difference as a result." A difference in whom is unclear. Perhaps Bill is giving lessons on how to "minister to a troubled youth".

The city of Graz, Austria is going to start paying beggars the equivalent of 260 dollars a month not to beg on city streets. There is no word yet on whether back pay will be issued to those citizens of Graz who have been not begging all their lives.

 Ndaweni Mahlangu, leader of the South African province of Mpumalanga, defends dishonesty: "Many politicians publicly deny they did certain things, but then later admit to them. It is accepted and is not unusual anywhere in the world. It wasn't the end of Bill Clinton's life, and I personally don't find it to be a very bad thing." Here endeth the search for the Clinton Legacy.

--DC

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