Actor Robert Blake is reported to be suffering from depression as he sits in jail awaiting trial for the murder of his wife. By the precedent set by the first Menendez jury, this surely requires him to receive a verdict of not guilty. I mean ... the poor guy's a widower, you know.

Former president Bill Clinton has finally weighed in on the Trent Lott controversy, calling the Republican Party "pretty hypocritical" for criticizing Lott for "saying in Washington what they do on the back roads every day." (See? That's why nobody sees it, because it's done on the back roads. In fact, this means that the total lack of evidence of Clinton's charge proves that it's true, otherwise it wouldn't be so well concealed.) "How do you think they got a majority in the South, anyway?" he continued, spinning a variation of the murky "Southern Strategy" theory that guesses that Nixon and Reagan must have been racists because they won a lot of votes in the South. But then, Clinton did very well in the South himself, didn't he? Hmmm.

Condoleeza Rice scolded Chinese general Xiong Guankai for remarks he made in 1995, when he indirectly threatened that his country might nuke Los Angeles if the United States interfered with an assault on Taiwan. Rice then reaffirmed America's commitment to help Taiwan defend itself, and told the general that "there is no justification for the continued buildup of Chinese missiles along the Taiwan Strait." All right, so it's seven years and one administration late, but we'll take it.

Al Gore has ranted that the Fox News Network, the Washington Times and Rush Limbaugh form the core of a "fifth column" within the media. This prompted Limbaugh to boast, "Yeah, I'm so secret and clandestine that I have 20 million listeners."

In a new book which portrays Bill Clinton as being vigilant against terrorism, but repeatedly thwarted by military officials who held a grudge against his "don't ask, don't tell" policy, Clinton-administration National Security Council members Daniel Benjamin and Steven Simon reveal the former president's grand, secret plan. "It would scare the (expletive) out of al-Qaeda if suddenly a bunch of black ninjas rappelled out of helicopters in the middle of their camp," he told Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Hugh Shelton. Obviously, that brainstorm must have been scuttled through subterfuge.

The Democrats have decided to hold their 2004 national convention in Boston, perhaps because it's one of the few places they feel welcome these days.

In the Massachusetts gubernatorial race, ultimately won by Republican Mitt Romney, feminists reacted in their typical way to remarks that Romney had made during a debate, in which he called some of Democrat Shannon O'Brien's tactics "unbecoming." Somehow or other, they regarded that word as sexist. They really ought to stop being so hysterical ... as a rule of thumb, that is.

Democrat incumbent Sen. Tim Johnson of South Dakota defeated Republican challenger John Thune by 528 votes, in an election that is reported by the Associated Press to have been decided by "a surge in American Indian voter turnout." Considering what Democrat activist Becky Red-Earth Villella was caught doing with the absentee ballots from Indian reservations, recounters should start keeping an eye out for ballots cast by people with names like "Eaten By Worms."

The "memorial service" for late Sen. Paul Wellstone (D, Minn.) turned into a miniature DNC convention, centered around the coronation of former vice president Walter Mondale, the chosen candidate of the Minnesota Democrat-Farmer-Labor-Hammer-Sickle Party. Bill and Hillary Clinton made their entrance to raucous cheers and loud, boisterous music, as did former vice president Al Gore. But when Republican Senate leader Trent Lott arrived to pay his respects to his deceased colleague, he was booed out of the building. ... And rightly so. He's a partisan, you know.

Bill Clinton has been inducted into the Arkansas Black Hall of Fame, and why not? After all, he was the one who blew the lid off the Great Arkansas Church-Fire Cover-Up. You say there were no black churches burned in Arkansas? Oh, sure ... next you'll claim that Clinton isn't black, either.

After receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, former president Jimmy Carter reportedly called Today show anchor Katie Couric, and, according to The Buffalo News, thanked her "for all she had done for him over the years." This means that: (a) Carter believes it is the job of the news media to shill for him and/or for the Democratic Party; (b) he adeptly identified Couric as an exceptionally biased journalist, even among network news anchors; and (c) Couric must have agreed with him on both counts, otherwise she wouldn't have accepted his thanks.

Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe says that his party is going to help "monitor" this year’s elections, to make sure that voters have no "problems" this time. The last time Democrats were this helpful during an election, it was those kindly Border Ruffians from Missouri, who thoughtfully "monitored" elections in Kansas. Stay tuned.

Sen. Ted Kennedy (D, Mass.) warns that a preemptive attack against Saddam Hussein would be "a Pearl Harbor in reverse." Leave it to him not to realize that the reverse of Pearl Harbor would have been good.

Congressmen Jim McDermott (D, Wash.), David Bonior (D, Mich.), and Mike Thompson (D, Calif.) traveled to Baghdad, where they regurgitated hollow Iraqi promises of access for U.N. weapons inspections to the international press. While still in Iraq, McDermott told ABC’s This Week, "I think the president would mislead the American people" in order to provoke a war against that nation. At least when Bill Clinton demonstrated against his own country overseas, he did it in England, not in Vietnam. Apparently, there are some Democrats who believe Clinton didn’t go far enough.

President Bush has sent troops to a French base in the tiny African nation of Djibouti, just prior to asking the government of neighboring Yemen if it would be so kind as to help us round up al-Qaeda terrorists hiding in their country. Bush’s critics have wanted him to do more consulting with the "international community." They must be pleased.

Saddam Hussein now says he will allow U.N. weapons inspectors back into Iraq, as long as they agree not to inspect any buildings that he doesn’t want inspected. The Russians, French and Germans see this as progress.

Former U.S. attorney general Janet Reno was defeated in the Florida Democratic gubernatorial primary, on an election day fraught with typical Democrat confusion. In Dade and Broward County -- both controlled by Democrats -- hundreds of voters were turned away because poll workers could not figure out how to operate the new electronic voting machines that were supposed to solve their party’s inability to vote correctly in 2000. In their usual tiresome fashion, Florida Democrats are placing the blame on Gov. Jeb Bush, who, presumably, rigged the primary because he was afraid of facing Reno in the general election.

The Germans are refusing to release evidence against September 11^th conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui, until they are promised that the U.S. won't seek the death penalty against him. Thankfully, they didn't have the power to do the same thing at Nuremberg.

According to the London Sun, delegates to the U.N.'s Earth Summit were, "gorging on mountains of lobster, oysters and filet steak at the Johannesburg conference -- aimed at ending FAMINE." It quotes the chef at the Michelangelo Hotel, which hosted the event, bragging that, "money is no object." The feast also included caviar and pate de foie gras. Perhaps the delegates were trying to teach the starving Africans how to eat by example.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit against the Cobb County, Georgia school board, over a message it pasted into textbooks, clarifying that Darwin's theory of evolution is just that, a theory, and not the scientifically established truth. The suit, filed on behalf of Jeffrey Selman, the father of one of the students, calls the disclaimer "fundamentalist Christian expression," and infers that it is therefore unconstitutional. The suit comes as a surprise to nobody, since the ACLU reacts the same way to anyone who questions its theory of an evolving Constitution.

Proudly anti-religious Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura has proclaimed one week in October to be "Christian Heritage Week" ... by mistake! "Somehow it [the bill] got into the wrong pile," an aide explained. Talk about working in mysterious ways.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have filed a claim for reimbursement of Whitewater legal fees. Never mind that the money never came out of their pockets in the first place, since the Clinton Legal Defense Fund raised $7 million. It must all depend on what the meaning of "reimburse" is.

The House of Representatives voted 420-1 to expel Rep. James Traficant (D, Ohio) for his conviction on charges of racketeering, bribery and tax evasion. The lone "no" vote was cast by California Democrat Gary Condit.

In a July 17^th interview, Martha Burk, chairwoman of the National Council of Women's Organizations, suggested that barring women from a men's club is pretty much like bringing back Jim Crow. "We think there's a higher moral authority here," she said. "I mean this guy [Augusta National Golf Club chairman Hootie Johnson] reminds me a little bit of George Wallace at the schoolhouse door. Come on." When asked by CNN's Kate Snow why women's health clubs should be allowed to exclude men, but Augusta shouldn't be allowed to exclude women, she said, "Women's health clubs don't produce the most high-profile golf event on the planet. That's the difference." Oh. Obviously, there's been some sort of a constitutional violation, then.

In an address at the NAACP's annual convention, Jesse Jackson declared President Bush to be "unliterate" -- which, of course, is perfectly proper ebonics for "illiterate."

On a recent visit to Baghdad, Louis Farrakhan prayed for an Iraqi victory over the United States. With a secret weapon like the Mother Wheel, how could they fail?

A new report by the World Wildlife Fund says that the earth will be uninhabitable by the year 2050, because, as you've surely guessed by now, the United States is using up too much of the world's resources. The report concludes that mankind will have to colonize space in order to survive -- something the folks at the WWF have no doubt already accomplished.

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional, because President Eisenhower's insertion of the words "under God" violates the "separation of church and state" which is not written into the First Amendment. In Washington, leaders of both parties were startled and upset by the ruling. Sen. Kit Bond (R, Mo.) wondered if the words "so help me God" would soon be removed from the Presidential Oath of Office. When will sensible people learn to keep their mouths shut and stop giving the ACLU ideas?

Nine-time Wimbledon champion Martina Navratilova has written an article for the German newspaper Die Ziet, in which she complains that the United States is just as repressive as the Communist Czechoslovakia she fled when she was eighteen. "The most absurd part of my escape from the unjust system is that I have exchanged one system that suppresses free opinion for another," she wrote. Naturally, she had to go to Germany to make a statement like this, because if she'd done it in the U.S., she'd have been arrested like a common Frenchman. "The Republicans in the United States manipulate public opinion and sweep controversial issues under the table," she continued. "It's depressing. Decisions in America are based solely on the question of 'how much money will come out of it' and not on the questions of how much health, morals or the environment suffer as a result." As long as she's in Europe, she might take note that the unjust system to which she refers no longer exists in the Czech and Slovak Republics, so she can feel free to escape right back from whence she came.

Bill Clinton is planning to have an exact replica of the Oval Office built into the Clinton Library in Little Rock. A pamphlet from the Clinton Presidential Centre says that the office will be made complete with "furnishings exactly as they were during President Clinton's years in office." It's kind of surprising, really. One would think that Clinton would prefer his new "furnishings" to be a bit slimmer and less talkative.

Recently re-elected French president Jacques Chirac reportedly became furious when the French national anthem was booed at a soccer match he attended. "I will not tolerate it and I will not accept something that undermines the values of the republic," he said, sounding not unlike a nationalistic right-wing zealot. What must his pals in the EU think?

A class in Lakeland Community College (Ohio) assigned its students to wear pink triangles for a day, as an expression of gay pride. One student, who was not gay and did not wish to be perceived as such, refused. For this he received a failing grade, and a threat of expulsion. The school ultimately reversed its decision, once it was publicized by a Cleveland TV news reporter. So much for "tolerance."

The Senate rejected a measure that would have cleared the way for drilling for oil in ANWR, by a vote of 54-46. Forty-five of fifty Democrats voted "no," along with Independent Jim Jeffords of Vermont, and the following eight Republicans: John McCain of Arizona, Peter Fitzgerald of Illinois, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, Bob Smith of New Hampshire, Mike DeWine of Ohio, Gordon Smith of Oregon, and Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island.

Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D, Ga.) accuses President Bush of having known about the Sept. 11^th attacks beforehand, but allowing them to occur in order to enrich his cronies, by raising oil prices, expanding defense contracts, etc. Don't worry, though; this loony theory is not in the mainstream of Democrat opinion. Former president Bill Clinton, who blamed the Oklahoma City bombing on conservative talk radio hosts, would never say anything so irresponsible. Nor would former presidential candidate Bill Bradley, who charged that black people's voting rights would be revoked if a Republican won the 2000 election. McKinney is just a single, isolated nut, who can be safely ignored. Got that?

In the latest round of McDonald's hot coffee lawsuits, British High Court Justice Richard Field ruled in favor of the fast-food chain and against the 36 plaintiffs. "I am quite satisfied that McDonald's was entitled to assume that the consumer would know that the drink was hot," he said, in a rare judicial imposition of responsibility upon individuals. All is not lost for the litigious leeches, though. There's always hope for a EU court reversal.

A new memoir by America's leading gun control advocate, Sarah Brady, reveals that she bought a rifle as a Christmas present for her son, James Jr., less than two years ago. "It seemed so incredibly strange," she writes, "Sarah Brady, of all people, packing heat." She can say that again. What else seems strange is that the sale appears to have violated Delaware state law, since James was not present for a background check at the time of purchase. The story makes Brady the undisputed queen of gun control hypocrisy, outranking even Rosie O'Donnell and the late Carl Rowan. The next time she and the other "million moms" go to D.C. for a march, they can call the event "Guns For Sons."

Film director Oliver Stone has been visiting Cuba in preparation for a Castro-approved documentary. The project is far from completed, but rumor has it that the execution of El Jefe's political rivals was actually carried out by J. Edgar Hoover.

A new book by New York Times reporter Frank Bruni accuses President Bush of the high crime of uncoolness. Among his offenses are that he didn't know who Leonardo DiCaprio is, he prefers peanut butter sandwiches and cheez doodles to sushi, and he has never even watched HBO's "Sex and the City." Dubya better hope the Washington press corps never discovers how much he enjoys baseball. They'd consider it the biggest scandal to hit town since Marilyn Quayle's hair.

In a videotape purporting to show the execution of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, the kidnapped journalist is forced by his captors to admit that he is Jewish, and to make the prepared statement that, "America will bear the consequences of our government's unconditional support for Israel." If the news media's reaction to this outrage has done anything to rekindle their sense of journalistic ethics, they will now ask Colin Powell, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and political leaders throughout Europe how their colleague would have been helped by a "more equitable distribution of global resources."

A smokers' rights group in Canada has been ordered by its government's Federal Identity Program to remove an image of the Canadian flag from its website, charging that it was misleading the public into believing that the site had been given federal approval. While anyone is permitted to display a Canadian flag, explains FIP spokesman Shawn Dearn, the "flag symbol" is protected by the Trademark Act, and is reserved for the promotion of federal programs. "It [the flag symbol] is not to be confused with the Canadian flag, even though they are remarkably similar," he said. Actually, they're identical, the only difference being that the flag symbol is a graphic representation, and not a real flag. Let it be noted that the appearance of the flag symbol on this page is in no way meant to suggest that the Canadian government has endorsed this Yankee web publication. The Shinbone would hate to be responsible for starting a border war.

The Logan County (Ky.) Public Library is being sued by a former employee who was fired because she displayed an offensive item -- namely a crucifix -- around her neck. So, apparently, cross-dressing on the job is acceptable, but cross-wearing is another story.

Arizona abortionist Brian Finkel has been released on bond, after being arrested for sexual misconduct. "I wouldn't wish this on anybody," he said after leaving jail. "I was in there with necropheliacs, baby-killers, mother-killers and stranger-killers. I just want to go home to my wife and kids."

Baby-killers? What an intemperate thing to say. He must be one of those judgmental right-wing zealots we've all read about.

President Bush suffered minor facial injuries when he passed out after choking on a pretzel, while watching the Ravens-Dolphins playoff game. The president and his spokespeople are describing the incident as a freak mishap. A likely story. Those of us in the know understand that the presidential pretzels were the next target on the terrorists' list, right after the shopping malls on Halloween.

President Bush is proposing to reinstate food stamp benefits, with no work requirement, to legal immigrants who have been in the U.S. for at least five years. This must be his plan to prevent the loss of American jobs overseas, by bringing the rest of the world here to do nothing.

Steven Spielberg has announced that he will re-release ET this march, with one revision. The guns being carried by FBI agents in the final scene will be digitally replaced with walkie-talkies. The next film he needs to clean up, obviously, is Saving Private Ryan -- although Spielberg may have a little trouble explaining how so many men's limbs can be blown off by canteens and C-rations.

The Clintons' dog, Buddy, was killed recently, when he was run over by an SUV outside Hillary's Chappaqua home. It seems that chocolate labs received a low approval rating in the latest Quinnipiac poll.

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