The Afghan army has captured Taliban commander Mullah Mahmood, as he tried to elude them disguised in a burka -- the traditional headdress of Muslim women. Being caught while cross-dressing, of course, is a source of great humiliation and degradation, which means we can expect American liberals to start printing off those "Free Mahmood" tee-shirts any time now.

Al Gore was presented an Academy Award for his global warming scare documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The film consisted mostly of the famously dull former vice president giving a PowerPoint presentation, interspliced with scenes of himself staring gloomily out windows, and a cringingly unfunny animated short by Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and a grating theme song by Melissa Etheridge that rendered even the closing credits nearly unwatchable. Suffice it to say that if this film had been shown to detainees at Gitmo, Amnesty International would have declared it a crime against humanity. It's no wonder, then, that it received an Oscar. The academy must have thought it was one of those European "dark comedies."

France has enacted a nationwide ban on smoking. Whatever will they do? Afterward, that is?

At a rally for "peace" in Washington, demonstrators feigned concern for our soldiers by draping an American flag over a coffin, and then placing a pair of army boots on top of the flag. Participants in the event also raucously applauded Jane Fonda, waved signs saying "9-11 was an inside job," sprayed anarchist graffiti on the steps of the Capitol, and spat at a disabled veteran who was demonstrating against them. But don't question their patriotism.

On a 12-9 vote, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee passed a non-binding resolution disapproving of the president's policies in Iraq. Since the bill did not promote any specific policy, it's unclear just what it is to which the Senators are not binding themselves, but they have nevertheless made it clear that their resolution will have no tangible effect on anything. And these guys want to negotiate with Iran and Syria.

The Oglala Sioux Tribe, whose chief had sold the University of Illinois its "Chief Illiniwek" costume in 1982, is now demanding that the school return the costume to the tribe. At least they can't be called "Indian givers," since they made a profit on the item they now want given back.

Former president Bill Clinton says he favors opening a dialogue with Iran. He didn't say what he'd use for an ice-breaker, but here's one possibility: "Thank you in advance for your generous contribution to the Clinton Library Fund."

Iranian "president" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has drawn criticism within his own country for violating Islamic law, by watching women dance at the opening ceremony for the Asian Games. Perhaps his punishment will be that he is forbidden from partaking in the women's stoning.

The increasingly reclusive Fidel Castro missed the festivities for his 80^th birthday. Considering that his government boasts the finest health care system in the universe, he was probably too busy windsurfing to bother showing up to blow out his candles.

An Italian newspaper has reported that Pope Benedict XVI has enlisted Henry Kissinger as a consultant on political and foreign affairs. Kissinger's first actions upon assuming his new post were to declare the struggle of good against evil to be unwinnable, and begin negotiating the Vatican's honorable withdrawal from Italy.

The city of Chicago dropped New Line Cinema as a sponsor of its Christmas festival, because the studio was planning on running ads for its movie, The Nativity Story, on televisions on the festival grounds. City officials explained that the ads might be offensive to non-Christians, who for some reason would be in attendance at the Christmas festival, despite their hostility toward all things Christian. Dr. Hartley must have no trouble finding new patients in that town.

After a reluctant President Bush signed a border security bill that requires the construction of a 700-mile fence, Mexican president Vicente Fox made the predictable and inane comparison between it and the Berlin Wall. Care to guess which side represents East Berlin, Vicente?

Maine attorney Thomas Connolly was arrested for standing along the highway in an Osama bin Laden Halloween costume and brandishing a prop gun. "I didn't expect to be arrested," he said. "Obviously I touched a post 9-11 nerve." Evidently, it wasn't obvious to him when he decided to do it, though. Connolly is a Democrat, and a former gubernatorial candidate, which explains a lot. His pollster must not have informed him that bin Laden is unpopular in this country.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, N.Y.) defended her husband from the recent "attack" by Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, by claiming that the former president was more dedicated to fighting terrorism than the Bush administration is. "I'm certain that if my husband and his national security team had been shown a classified report entitled 'Bin Laden determined to Attack Inside the United States, he would have taken it more seriously than history suggests it was taken by our current president and his national security team." This is a reference to the August 6, 2001 memo that was made public during the 9-11 commission hearings. What Mrs. Clinton neglects to mention is that President Bush had received that memo for the very reason that he demanded that it be written. Therefore, her husband never would have received such a report, because he never would have requested it. Moreover, he had already been in office during the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, whose aim was to topple the first of the Twin Towers into the other, so that they would both fall across Manhattan, crushing everybody below. President Clinton's response then was to tell us that the important thing is not to "overreact." This makes it appear incredibly unlikely that, given a piece of paper that says, "Bin Laden determined to Attack Inside the United States," he would have sprung into action. So Sen. Clinton's widely publicized statement has no merit whatsoever. But far be it for the news media -- who, legend has it, have been so horribly unfair to the Clintons -- to point this out.

Sen. Russ Feingold (D, Wisc.) is protesting the president's use of the term "Islamic fascists" to describer our enemies in the War on Terror. In particular, Feingold objects to his use of the word "Islamic," and also to his use of the word "fascists." The senator is still undecided as to whether or not we can call them "enemies."

CNN founder Ted Turner compares the U.S. invasion of Iraq with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor, and Germany's invasion of Russia. This would appear to mean that he is casting America as the villain in this war, but that all depends on who he thought was in the right during World War II.

George O'Dowd, a.k.a., "Boy George" of the 80s pop band Culture Club, was ordered to perform five days of community service with the New York Department of Sanitation, as part of his plea bargain for filing a false police report. In March, he had falsely reported a burglary in his apartment, only to have the police arrive to find cocaine in the premises. While brooming the streets of Manhattan, the 45 year-old O'Dowd growled at news photographers, "You think you're better than me?" Well, why not, George? Are they all criminals too?

The National Fatwa Council of Malaysia has forbidden the use of Botox for cosmetic purposes. As you are reading this, John Kerry's forehead is becoming more wrinkly, in a show of solidarity.

Former NBA roughneck and longtime Alabama gubernatorial wannabe Charles Barkley has changed his registration from Republican to Democrat. He's right, you know. He really isn't a role model.

Saddam Hussein demands to be executed by firing squad. Here's hoping the Iraqis aren't stupid enough to fall for reverse psychology, and they just shoot him, already.

U2 lead singer Bono has come under criticism from supporters of Hugo Chavez, for investing in of a video game called Venezuela, in which the player tries to defeat a tyrannical government leader. What do you know, he really is doing something about global poverty.

North Korea's much-anticipated test launch of its Taepodong-2 missile failed to live up to the build-up, as it sputtered and crashed into the Sea of Japan after about forty seconds. President Bush says the U.S. was prepared to shoot the missile down if necessary. The Taepodong fizzle, combined with encouraging progress in the development of an missile defense shield, means that Kim Jong-Il is not nearly as close to directly threatening America as he'd like to believe. Nevertheless, former Clinton secretary of state Madeleine Albright has declared the Bush policy a failure.

Al-Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been killed by a U.S. airstrike on his safehouse in Baqubah. Sen. John Kerry (D, Mass.) and Rep. John Murtha (D, Pa.) are taking this as an indication that America must withdraw from Iraq immediately.

Boston's "Big Dig," the tunnel that became the most expensive pork-barrel project in history, has been named for former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill, who had made the $14.6 billion boondoggle a personal cause while he was still in Congress. Just something to keep in mind, the next time Democrats try to blame Ronald Reagan's tax cuts for those deficits in the 80s.

The Motion Picture Association of America has given a PG rating, rather than a G, to a film called Facing the Giants, because it had "thematic elements" -- namely Christianity -- that some parents might find disturbing. Good to know the folks at the MPAA are so concerned about protecting the children. Next, maybe we can start putting warning labels on Archie comic books.

Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D, R.I.) has pled guilty to a DUI, after crashing his car outside the Capitol building in the small hours of the morning. Those who share the Kennedys' sense of responsibility will see this as yet another symptom of The Curse.

Faced with a budget crunch, Slippery Rock University decided to eliminate eight of its athletic programs: women's swimming, water polo and field hockey, and men's swimming, water polo, golf, tennis and wrestling. Twelve female athletes from that school have now filed a lawsuit for discrimination, under Title IX. If this makes no sense to you, then you're neither a feminist nor a lawyer.

The new UN Human Rights Council has awarded seats to Cuba, China and Saudi Arabia. The United States, which had opposed the creation of the new council, declined to run for a seat. Tisk, tisk. What must "our allies" think of such unilateralism?

A new National Geographic poll shows that 60 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 are not able to find Iraq on a map. If only they'd stayed in class, instead of going to all those International ANSWER rallies.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin unveiled a new evacuation plan, which would utilize buses and trains. And to think that it only took him eight months, and the threat of losing re-election, to think of it.

Northern Kentucky University has dismissed Sally Jacobsen, an English professor who instructed her students to destroy a nearby anti-abortion display made of wooden crosses. As if parodying the mindset of the pro-abortion movement, she explained, "Any violence perpetrated against that silly display was minor compared to how I felt when I saw it."

CBS news has hired Katie Couric to host its Evening News, as a permanent replacement for departed Democratic Party hack Dan Rather. NBC's Today show has replaced Couric with Andrea Viera, formerly of ABC's The View. Some conservative critics are complaining that Viera has marched against the war in Iraq, while forgetting that Couric attended at least one pro-abortion rally while employed as an anchor on Today, which unlike The View, purports to be an objective news program. Not that there's any liberal media bias, or anything.

The Oglala Sioux tribe of South Dakota says that it will perform abortions on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, in order to counteract a state ban that will be enacted if the U.S. Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. Tribe president Cecilia Fire Thunder said, "We just want to make sure that something is done for women who make that decision. All we can do is provide that to them, no questions asked. It's their choice. It's between her and God and that unborn baby, and I honor that." Ms. Fire Thunder didn't say what would be done in the event that both God and the unborn baby voted no.

Public schools in the Denver and San Diego areas have banned all flags and articles of "patriotic clothing," on the basis that they were being used to taunt students who had recently rallied in support of illegal aliens. The policy would be complete if they also prohibited the teaching of American civics, but they probably haven't been doing that for decades, anyway.

Two more women died from taking the combination of abortion-inducing drugs known as RU-486, bringing the total of known maternal fatalities to seven since the year 2000. In response, Planned Parenthood, the renowned WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE PROVIDER, belatedly promised to stop advising women to take the drugs in a manner inconsistent with FDA guidelines.

Yale has admitted former Taliban spokesman Rahmatullah Hashemi, despite his having only a fourth-grade education. According to Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw, as quoted by the New York Times, the university was afraid to lose a "foreigner of Rahmatullah's caliber" to rival Harvard. Shaw didn't explain exactly what it was he thinks the terrorist mouthpiece is so good at.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, N.Y.), who has been vehemently opposed to the controversial Dubai Ports World deal, is reportedly surprised to learn that her alleged husband, former president Bill Clinton, has been advising the United Arab Emirates-owned company on how to overcome American misgivings about its venture. If Mrs. Clinton is serious about becoming president, at least now she's learned what it's like to have a globetrotting former Democrat president undermine her foreign policy positions.

Six men who were detained by British police at Luton Airport turned out to be actors, who had played terror suspects in a recent movie. The cops must have mistaken them for real terrorists because they had seen a film director being friendly to them.

On one of the recently released Saddam Hussein tapes, the former dictator discusses a method of enriching uranium called plasma separation. What makes the tape so remarkable is that it was recorded in 2000, and weapons inspectors believed he'd given up on his nuclear program about a decade earlier. Strangely, those media outlets that long ago concluded that "Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction" do not seem to find this revelation newsworthy.

In a recently released audiotape, Osama bin Laden pledges to never be taken alive, disappointing all the people at the Hague, who were so looking forward to acquitting him.

During an appearance on Fox News' Hannity and Colmes, Gerardo Sandoval of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors defended his vote against docking the USS Iowa in his city by saying, "I don't think we should have a military." In a follow-up interview with Sean Hannity two days later, Sandoval tried to fend of criticism of his previous statement by explaining, "What I was trying to say is that for much of America's history we've defended ourselves with a citizen army and we should be very proud of that." So he thinks a "citizen army" is preferable to a standing military. That sure sounds like he agrees, then, with the statement that, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. Unfortunately, San Francisco has recently enacted, by referendum, the strictest and most unconstitutional anti-gun law in America. The NRA should press Mr. Sandoval to advocate a repeal of the ban, or else to re-revise his story.

At a speech partly funded by the bin Laden family, former vice president Al Gore accused the United States of "terrible abuses," charging that Arabs had been "indiscriminately rounded up, often on minor charges of overstaying a visa or not having a green card in proper order, and held in conditions that were just unforgivable." Now we know who the people at Amnesty International talked to about Guantanamo Bay.

Los Angeles Times columnist Joel Stein has come under criticism for a piece in which he wrote that he does not support the American soldiers fighting the War on Terror. "I don't support what they are doing," he wrote, "and I don't see the point of putting a big yellow magnet on your car if you don't." For some reason, this honest statement of Stein's has raised the ire of conservatives, most of whom are willing to parrot the "what could be more American than dissent" line whenever liberals claim to "support the troops" while at the same time celebrating their deaths, and accusing them of atrocities.

The ACLU of New Jersey claims to have discovered, in the First Amendment, a teenage boy's right to wear a skirt to school. Only the ACLU can see this right, because it's hidden in one of the Constitution's penumbras, and you need to be wearing mirrored shoes in order to look at one of those.

Rapper Kanye West has appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, posing as Jesus, with a crown of thorns. Mike Myers was not available to give his reaction, but you could probably guess.

French president Jacques Chirac shocked the Western world when he suggested that he might use nuclear weapons against any terror-state that attacks his country. In reality, he'd probably just drop very old cheese on them, but the effect would be much the same.

The Iranian government has banned CNN reporters from the country until further notice, due to an alleged mistranslation, in which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supposedly said that Iran had a right to "nuclear technology," but was interpreted as claiming a right to "nuclear weapons." It is only an alleged mistranslation, because both Ahmadinejad and CNN now agree that the network was mistaken. You may remember that former CNN chief news executive Eason Jordan admitted in 2003 that the network had concealed many of Saddam Hussein's atrocities since before the first Gulf War, in order to maintain access to government sources. It just might be that "the most trusted name in news" is admitting this "error" as a goodwill gesture, in order to be let back into the country. ... And if that doesn't work, they could always give the Mullahs a reference from Fidel Castro.

Because of her superficial support for the war in Iraq, Sen. Hillary Clinton has lost the support of former presidential candidate Gary Hart. This has got to be the biggest blow to her career since she lost her husband's endorsement from that organization of headband-wearers back in 1992.

Following the deadly explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia, the news media almost unanimously compounded the tragedy by falsely reporting that twelve of the thirteen missing miners had been found alive, when in fact only one had survived. A typical press account appeared in the next morning's USA Today, in which Tom Vanden Brook reported, "Twelve missing miners were found alive and rescued from deep inside a coal mine Tueasday ...," as if the reporter had himself witnessed the men being lifted to safety. Worse yet, the article continued, "The men were taken by ambulances to a nearby hospital for examination." In fact, twelve of the men were known to be dead while they were still underground. Neither Vanden Brook, nor apparently any other reporter, had bothered to contact this anonymous nearby hospital to see if there was any actual news to report. Just something to keep in mind, next time the mainstream press denigrate The Drudge Report as "gossip."

Round-Up '07

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