News Round-Up
(Items are listed in order of currency)
In response to a caller on C-SPAN, Sen. John Kerry (D, Mass.) asserted that, "There was not a bloodbath in Vietnam," after the U.S. withdrew, and that many of those who had been held in Communist "reeducation" camps "are thriving in the Vietnam of today." It sounds like our evil American soldiers could learn a thing or two from those kindly Commies. So, for that matter, could Zhen-Zhiss Khan.
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Hamas militiamen have allegedly looted the home of the late Fatah leader Yasir "Old Lemurface" Arafat, stealing his Nobel Peace Prize. At least it can be said that the award has wound up in the hands of somebody equally worthy.
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In an essay published by The Washington Post, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon blamed the slaughter in Darfur on "climate change." Translation: it's America's fault. Bonky, who had previously been criticized by one-worlders for defending the Iraqi people's right to execute Saddam Hussein, seems to be doing all he can to squash Americans' hopes that he'll be different from his predecessors.
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In an effort to reestablish its family-friendly image, Disney has announced that it will ban all depictions of smoking from movies made under its own name, and that it will "discourage" smoking in films distributed under its other brands, Touchstone and Miramax. The characters in these family-friendly films will now have to find something else to do, after fornicating.
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An article in USA Today complains that global warming is drying up Lake Superior to dangerously low levels. At least the Great Lake's evaporation will create some dry land on which to house refugees, after Manhattan has been submerged underwater. And remember, if they find the Edmund Fitzgerald, it's Bush's fault.
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Former Gore campaign advisor Bob Shrum says that a "senior network correspondent" called him on Election Night in 2000 and implored him not to let the vice president concede. But remember, liberal media bias is a figment of your imagination.
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Representatives of 50 Sunni tribes gathered in Ramadi to announce the founding of a national political party called "Iraq Awakening," whose mission will be to oppose terrorism and improve Iraqi-American relations. Meanwhile, in Washington, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pronounced that the war in Iraq had been "lost." It should go without saying that Reid is the leader of the Democrats, a.k.a., the "America Sleeping" party.
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The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to uphold the federal ban on partial-birth abortion, overturning the 2000 Stenberg v. Carhart case that threw out a similar law enacted by the state of Nebraska. "It is precisely this erosion of our constitutional rights that I warned against when I opposed the nominations of Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito," remarked Sen. Hillary Clinton (D, N.Y.). Like most in her party, Sen. Clinton believes that the Constitution is constantly morphing and evolving, but that a ruling that was constructed on its shifting sands must stand forever.
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Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has received a campaign contribution from Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. Rumor has it that the donation was offered under the condition that Mrs. Clinton not put on the bunny suit.
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The Afghan army has captured Taliban commander Mullah Mahmood, as he tried to elude them disguised in a burka -- the traditional headdress of Muslim women. Being caught while cross-dressing, of course, is a source of great humiliation and degradation, which means we can expect American liberals to start printing off those "Free Mahmood" tee-shirts any time now.
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Al Gore was presented an Academy Award for his global warming scare documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The film consisted mostly of the famously dull former vice president giving a PowerPoint presentation, interspliced with scenes of himself staring gloomily out windows, and a cringingly unfunny animated short by Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and a grating theme song by Melissa Etheridge that rendered even the closing credits nearly unwatchable. Suffice it to say that if this film had been shown to detainees at Gitmo, Amnesty International would have declared it a crime against humanity. It's no wonder, then, that it received an Oscar. The academy must have thought it was one of those European "dark comedies."
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France has enacted a nationwide ban on smoking. Whatever will they do? Afterward, that is?
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At a rally for "peace" in Washington, demonstrators feigned concern for our soldiers by draping an American flag over a coffin, and then placing a pair of army boots on top of the flag. Participants in the event also raucously applauded Jane Fonda, waved signs saying "9-11 was an inside job," sprayed anarchist graffiti on the steps of the Capitol, and spat at a disabled veteran who was demonstrating against them. But don't question their patriotism.
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On a 12-9 vote, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee passed a non-binding resolution disapproving of the president's policies in Iraq. Since the bill did not promote any specific policy, it's unclear just what it is to which the Senators are not binding themselves, but they have nevertheless made it clear that their resolution will have no tangible effect on anything. And these guys want to negotiate with Iran and Syria.
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The Oglala Sioux Tribe, whose chief had sold the University of Illinois its "Chief Illiniwek" costume in 1982, is now demanding that the school return the costume to the tribe. At least they can't be called "Indian givers," since they made a profit on the item they now want given back.
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